Joke Bank

One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

Joke Bank

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck'n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck" The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

Joke Bank

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

Joke Bank

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Joke Bank

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"