Joke Bank

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Joke Bank

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

Joke Bank

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

Joke Bank

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Joke Bank

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"