Joke Bank

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!"

The one nun said, "Well, we're dead and we can't go back." "Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun.

"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun. "Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc." Poof!

The first nun becomes Joan of Arc. "Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?" "! ! Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. Poof!

The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe. "Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." "Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun. St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter.

"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."

Joke Bank

Maria is a devout Catholic.   She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

Joke Bank

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Joke Bank

The preacher's wife was making Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"

Joke Bank

One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"